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Episode 01: Squirrels

Storytellers: Sean C Davis

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I kick off this crazy adventure by telling you about the time I was assaulted by a squirrel.

I had left my car in a parking garage overnight, and I got dropped off there in the morning on my way to work one day. It was one of those garages where you already have your ticket and you pay at one of those pay stations in a stairwell – not at the gate.

I go to my car to get my ticket and then I came back to the pay station so I could pay the ticket and get to work. (I'm probably already late to work at that point.)

So anyways, I'm standing in front of the pay station with my ticket. I put it in the pay station, and just as I do that I see this squirrel walk up to my right side. I thought it was a little weird, I mean we're in a parking garage after all. The squirrel gives me a funny look but I don't really think twice about it – I want to get to work.

So I continue paying the parking ticket. And as I'm doing that the squirrel starts to walk behind me. He's moving from my right side, behind my back, and ends up on my left side – he did a full 180 around me. He looks at me again and I'm thinking, This is weird. Bu it's kind of funny at this point. This squirrel is just hanging out with me watching me pay my parking ticket.

So the machine is asking for money and just as I go to grab my wallet, the squirrel moves from my left side, behind me, and all of a sudden jumps on me! And it wasn't just like he started crawling up my leg – he jumped from the concrete floor of the garage all the way up to my back. And I was wearing this loose sweatshirt at the time, so I flung around real fast and the squirrel goes flying.

He tumbles over a couple times, and I'm standing by the pay station wondering what just happened. Meanwhile the squirrel had tumbled over a couple times. He shook his head like he was trying to figure out what happened to him. And we both just stopped and looked at one another. I think at that point we were both thinking, What just happened?

So I can't go back to paying the ticket because I have to see what this squirrel does. And he won't stop looking at me. This went on for probably a few seconds. And then all of a sudden the squirrel breaks into a sprint – he's sprinting right at me. And of all the things I can think to do, I don't have time to think of anything, I just have to do something. So what do I do? As soon as he gets close to me, I kick him.

He got close. He hadn't jumped yet. So I just … kicked him.

Again, he tumbled over a few times. He looked at me again, shook off the cobwebs, and then took off.

So I'm sitting there thinking, What just happened? And just as I'm doing that, a homeless guy comes running into the parking garage and says, "Whoa! Did I just hallucinate that? Or did that happen?"

And I said, "No, buddy, it just happened." But I was right there with that guy.

In any case, I went back to the pay station, put the money in, got to work, and got on with my day, after having been assaulted a squirrel.