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Episode 07: Lawn Turds

Storytellers: Lora Staiger

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Sometimes uncomfortable things happen when you rely on Taco Bell to fulfill your superstitions.

It takes place my junior year of high school. I was a member of the Piqua Indians soccer team.

My best friend was also a member of this team. She was a year younger than me. I had a car and a driver's license, but she did not. We always kind of joked that this was how our friendship solidified – she needed rides to places, and I just chauffeured her around. I would take her to soccer practices and soccer games. I was even taking her to school.

A couple of the other girls on the team got wind of my amazing taxi services and they were like, "Yeah, Lora, we would love if you would pick us up and take us to places, too" (in my four-door sedan, Dodge Stratus).

They kind of got into my routine. It was a good side gig for me. They paid me for gas money and at the time that was my job. It became a thing.

Game days for us consisted of going to school and then traveling to the game (if it was an away game).

The date in which this event took place was circled on my calendar. I always thought, I'm going to remember this game forever! And I'm going to remember this day because of this game. And really I remember this date because of this terrible, terrible event that took place that night. It's locked in my brain for a completely different reason than I originally thought.

This date was very important to me because we were playing our arch rival – the Troy Trojans. I was so fucking pumped for that game because up to that point we hadn't beaten them yet. I was like, This is our year! It was a black stain on my resume. We hadn't beat fucking Troy Trojans yet. This was the year! We had to beat them!

Most people who know me know that I'm a pretty superstitious person. I was pulling out all the stops, sticking to all my rituals.

I had weird things. I would put special socks on under my shin guards. I wouldn't shave my legs in between wins, so at that point I was going on five weeks. It was a little gross. I am proud of this.

But this also went down to the food in which I ate.

A little backstory here. My freshman year I happened to eat a #9 Combo Meal from Taco Bell, is was a Crunchwrap Supreme (no sour cream), Soft Taco, with a Code Red Mountain Dew. And I had the best game ever. I scored three goals and I was a defensive center midfielder, so I wasn't supposed to be close to the net.

So rather than give credit to my wonderful teammates who served me up nice balls, or the fact that the other team was really shitty, I was like, It's the Taco Bell. It was definitely the Taco Bell that created this perfect specimen of an athlete.

So that became a thing.

We even had this program put in place by the soccer moms. They called it Meals On Wheels. We would get meals for all of our away games. But the problem was that they wouldn't serve us our food until 10:00 at night, after we've already played our game. So, on game days, I was eating two dinners.

For away games, we had an hour and a half between when school let out and when we had to report back for the buses. I was like, "Guys, I'm going all out. I'm getting the Taco Bell. I'm getting the Crunchwrap Supreme (no sour cream), Soft Taco, and a Code Red Mountain Dew."

So I go to Taco Bell, get my meal and report back for the bus.

We get to Troy. I was on the varsity team, so we had to sit through the JV game first.

Probably about 10-15 minutes into the game, I started to feel a little weird. My stomach was getting a little gurgley and I was getting a little sweaty just sitting and watching the game. I just chalked it up to being so amped for this game. It was just nerves.

The game is getting closer and closer, and I am feeling rough. Real bad. But, again, I've been waiting all year to beat the Troy Trojans, and I am going to play every frigging minute of this game.

I ended up playing all 90 minutes of the game.

By the end of the game, I'm doing this crouchy, running thing. For some reason, my coach didn't take me out.

I was done.

At that point, all my friends were like, "Mmmm, there is something really wrong with Lora."

We won the game, which is very important.

But I bypassed the Meals On Wheels, got to the back of the bus, and I was in the fetal position, crying, at the back of the bus.

At this point, everyone was like, "Something's really wrong with Lora, because she skipped her Meals On Wheels. That girl does not ever skip meals." I would eat everything. I think that's why my friends were like, "Oh shit! Something is really, really, really wrong with Lora."

So we get back to the high school. I was basically in a coma – moaning the whole way home.

At this point we have a real problem. I have a car, and I have three girls who are relying on me to get home. And I'm not even sure if I can get myself home. Sitting up in a car was like … Nope, can't do it.

I just grabbed my keys, tossed them over to the youngsters, and was like, "Somebody figure it out."

I went and laid in the backseat of my car. That's the only time I ever sat in the backseat of my car. I just laid back there. I think between the three girls, Jade had a learner's permit. They said, "I guess Jade is the most qualified to drive this car."

So we came up with a game plan. Jade was going to drive, Kylie was going to sit in the front seat, Megan was going to sit with me in the back. And I was just laying in pain.

So we're getting closer and closer to Kylie's house. She was our first drop-off.

The closer and closer we get, the smells coming out me … they're a little bit bad.

I felt so terrible. "Sorry, Megan. Sorry, girls."

They were all cracking the windows.

The closer we get, I'm like, Something is working its way out of my body. So, I just kind of said, "Jade, if you could kind of, like, step on it, that'd be really nice."

So, Jade gets to Kylie's house. The whole time, I'm like, "Kylie, I've got to go to your bathroom, can I use your bathroom? Please let me use your bathroom."

She's like, "Okay, yeah!"

I think we did a rolling stop, and I bailed out really fast, and I take off running for the door, and I get one step inside Kylie's house. I'm like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom!

Then the training of my youth kicked in. My Mom had so trained me that cleats were not allowed in the house, that I was like, "Oh shit! I have my cleats on!"

So I turn around, go outside, and I bend down to get my cleats off, and all of a sudden, "It's coming!" And I just pulled down my pants and I sharted in Kylie's yard.

And then I sat down and I cried. I wailed! I just cried and cried and cried.

Kylie is standing at the front door, dying, because I just shit in her front yard. And then Jade and Megan are in my car – they could not believe what just happened.

It gets worse.

So, I'm still sitting with my pants down in the front yard, crying. Kylie's parents were inside and heard the commotion, so they came running to the front door.

They were hit with my bare white ass in their front yard. They just turned around. I don't think they said anything.

And then Kylie's twin brother comes running down from upstairs, like, "What are you guys laughing about?" He comes outside and sees me sitting with my pants down in the front yard.

The good news is I finally felt real good about life. I felt really good. I didn't feel like something was eating my insides anymore.

And then I got into the car to drive to drive away. That's when I saw Kylie's brother come outside with a hose and hose down my poop in the yard.